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Sex is supposed to be fun.

Which makes it slightly unfortunate that our brains sometimes arrive in the bedroom carrying a clipboard.

Do I look okay?

Am I doing this right?

Is this normal?

Should I know what I'm doing?

What if I want to try something new?

What if I change my mind halfway through?

And suddenly you're mentally conducting a performance review when you were supposed to be having a lovely time.

Here's the thing:

Confidence in the bedroom isn't about knowing everything.

It isn't about looking perfect, owning every toy, having tried every position or behaving like you were personally trained by the internet.

Real sexual confidence is much simpler.

It's knowing what feels comfortable.

Being able to say what you want.

Being equally able to say what you don't want.

Knowing how to explore new things more safely.

And feeling comfortable enough to laugh when something doesn't quite go according to plan.

Because it won't always.

Bodies make noises.

Toys occasionally refuse to cooperate.

People get cramps.

Someone presses the wrong button.

Sexy plans sometimes become extremely unsexy logistical exercises.

Welcome to being human.

So, whether you're exploring solo, trying toys for the first time, introducing something new with a partner or simply wanting to feel more confident in your own skin, here's the LubeLady guide to safer, happier and more confident play.

First Things First: You Don't Need to Be an Expert

There is no entrance exam for having a sex life.

You are allowed to be curious.

You are allowed to be inexperienced.

You are allowed to have lots of experience and still not know whether you'll enjoy something new.

And you are absolutely allowed to ask questions.

One of the biggest confidence killers is the belief that everybody else somehow knows exactly what they're doing.

They don't.

People learn about their bodies.

They learn from their partners.

They discover preferences.

They change their minds.

They try things that sound fantastic and discover they're actually rather underwhelming.

That's exploration.

Confidence doesn't come from knowing everything before you begin.

It comes from trusting yourself enough to learn.

Consent Is the Foundation of Good Play

Let's start with the most important part.

Whether you're experimenting with a new toy, trying bondage, exploring roleplay or simply doing something differently with a partner, everyone involved needs to freely want to participate.

Consent should be informed, voluntary and ongoing.

That means saying yes to one thing doesn't automatically mean yes to everything else.

It also means:

You can change your mind.

Before.

During.

Five seconds after saying yes.

Halfway through.

Next week, even if you loved it last week.

Consent isn't a contract you've signed for the evening.

And stopping doesn't mean you've ruined anything.

Being able to say “Actually, I don't want to continue” is confidence too.

Talk Before You Play

Communication doesn't have to destroy spontaneity.

In fact, knowing where the boundaries are can make it much easier to relax.

Before trying something unfamiliar, talk about:

• What you're interested in,

• What you're unsure about,

• What is definitely off-limits,

• Any physical limitations or sensitivities,

• How you'll communicate if you want to slow down,

• What means stop,

• Whether either person wants to check in during play,

For something simple, that conversation might take thirty seconds.

For more adventurous play, it may deserve considerably more discussion.

The important part is that nobody is guessing.

Mind-reading remains an extremely unreliable bedroom skill.

Yes, No & Maybe

If talking about sexual interests makes you feel awkward, try simplifying the conversation.

Put ideas into three categories:

YES
I'd genuinely like to explore this.

MAYBE
I'm curious, but I'd like to talk about it first.

NO
Not interested.

Couples can even make separate lists and compare them.

And here's the important rule:

A “maybe” isn't a “yes waiting to be persuaded.”

It's a maybe.

Likewise, a no doesn't require a courtroom defence.

You don't need a sufficiently impressive reason for something not to appeal to you.

Not wanting it is enough.

Know Your Toy Before You Use It

New toy?

Fantastic.

Before introducing it during play, take five minutes to actually investigate the thing.

Read the instructions.

Charge it.

Learn how to switch it on and off.

Check what the buttons do.

Look at the dimensions.

Check whether it's waterproof or merely water-resistant.

Find out what it's made from.

Check which lubricants are compatible with it.

And if it's an insertable toy, understand which parts are intended for insertion.

Nothing says “smooth seduction” quite like stopping halfway through to Google how to turn your vibrator off.

Our How to Choose Your First Sex Toy guide covers materials, sizes, toy styles and beginner-friendly options in much more detail.

Start Lower Than You Think

This applies to a surprising number of things.

Vibration intensity.

Temperature sensations.

Pressure.

Bondage.

Anal toys.

Impact play.

New positions.

When you're experimenting with a new sensation, start gently and build gradually.

You can always increase intensity.

It's much harder to un-experience something that went from zero to absolutely not in three seconds.

Starting gently also gives your body and brain time to decide:

Do I actually like this?

That's useful information.

Pain Is Information - Listen to It

There's a difference between an intense sensation someone knowingly enjoys and pain that signals something is wrong.

If something feels sharply painful, causes numbness, burning, unexpected discomfort or simply feels wrong:

Stop.

Don't push through because you think you're supposed to enjoy it.

Don't worry about disappointing somebody.

Don't assume discomfort is simply the price of being adventurous.

Adjust.

Add suitable lubricant where appropriate.

Change what you're doing.

Or stop entirely.

And if pain, bleeding, numbness, irritation or another concerning symptom persists after play, seek appropriate medical advice.

Sexy confidence includes knowing when your body is telling you no thank you.

Lube Is Not Cheating

Apparently this needs saying because people can still treat needing lubricant as though the body has failed some sort of test.

It hasn't.

Natural lubrication can vary for all sorts of ordinary reasons, and lubricant can also simply make something feel better.

That's reason enough to use it.

Lube can be especially important when using insertable toys and during anal play.

But choose the right type for what you're doing.

Water-based is often the simplest all-round option.

Silicone-based generally provides longer-lasting glide but requires more attention with certain silicone toys.

Hybrid combines characteristics of water- and silicone-based formulas.

Oil-based products have important compatibility considerations and should not be used with latex condoms.

If that sounds like an entire university subject...

Funny you should mention it.

Our Beginner's Guide to Lube and Lube Types Explained guides for you…

More Lube Isn't a Failure Either

Sometimes you need a little.

Sometimes you need considerably more.

Sometimes you need to reapply.

There is no prize for completing an intimate activity using the smallest possible quantity of lubricant.

If friction starts becoming uncomfortable, add more suitable lube or stop and reassess.

Your bottle isn't judging you.

Neither are we.

Toy Hygiene: The Unsexy Bit That Matters

Cleaning your toys might not be the most glamorous section of this guide.

It is, however, important.

Always follow the manufacturer's cleaning instructions because materials, motors, charging ports and waterproof ratings vary.

As a general principle:

Clean toys before and after use according to their instructions.

Let them dry properly before storing them somewhere clean and dry.

Don't submerge electronic toys unless the manufacturer specifically says they're waterproof.

And pay particular attention when a toy is being shared between partners or used on different areas of the body.

If a toy is moving between people or body areas, appropriate barriers and cleaning practices can help reduce the transfer of bodily fluids and microbes.

Most importantly:

Don't move a toy directly from anal use to vaginal use without appropriate cleaning or changing the barrier first.

Some rules are considerably less exciting than others.

They're still worth following.

Anal Play Has One Non-Negotiable Toy Rule

If you're experimenting with anal insertion, use a toy specifically designed for anal use.

Why?

Because the rectum can draw objects further inside.

Purpose-designed anal toys should have a sufficiently wide flared base, handle or another appropriate retention feature that prevents complete insertion.

This is not the category for improvisation with random household objects.

Start small.

Use plenty of compatible lubricant.

Go slowly.

Listen to your body.

And if you're looking at a toy thinking:

Surely it'll be fine...

That is an excellent moment to reconsider your purchasing strategy.

Condoms & Lube: Check Compatibility

Using condoms?

Then your lubricant choice matters.

Suitable water-based and silicone-based lubricants are generally compatible with latex condoms, but always check the individual product information.

Oil-based products can weaken latex condoms and increase the risk of breakage.

If you're using another type of barrier, check its manufacturer's guidance too.

The label is your friend.

Read it.

Even if the bottle isn't a particularly exciting company.

Sharing Toys Safely

Sharing can be fun.

Sharing microbes considerably less so.

If you're sharing an insertable toy, consider using a suitable condom or barrier over the toy where appropriate and changing it between partners.

Clean the toy according to the manufacturer's directions between uses.

If you're moving between different body areas, clean the toy or change the barrier as appropriate before switching.

And if a toy can't be properly cleaned for the way you intend to share it, choose another option.

Sometimes safe play is simply good logistics.

Sexy logistics.

But logistics nonetheless.

Sensation Play: Experiment Without Racing Ahead

Warming.

Cooling.

Blindfolds.

Textures.

Feathers.

Massage.

Different types of touch.

Sensory play can be a wonderful way to experiment because you're changing how something feels, not necessarily doing anything particularly complicated.

But the same rule applies:

Start gently.

Products designed to create warming, cooling or tingling sensations can feel dramatically different from person to person.

Use them according to their directions and begin with a small amount.

Never assume that if a little warmth is good, seventeen times more warmth must be spectacular.

Your nerve endings would like a word.

Our Beginner's Guide to Sensory Play goes much deeper into exploring sight, sound, touch and temperature.

Bondage: Start With Trust, Not Equipment

Curious about bondage?

The most important thing you need isn't rope.

It's communication.

Before any restraint or power-based play, discuss boundaries and agree on how play will stop if either person wants it to.

For beginners, keeping things simple can be much more enjoyable than attempting an elaborate scene you've seen online.

Avoid restricting breathing or putting dangerous pressure on the neck.

Be cautious about circulation and nerve compression when using restraints.

Never leave a restrained person unattended.

And make sure you know how to release any restraint you're using before you need to.

For the full introduction, head to our Bondage for Beginners guide.

Learn first.

Then get mischievous.

Alcohol, Drugs & New Experiences Don't Mix Brilliantly

A drink might make someone feel more relaxed.

But intoxication can also affect judgement, communication, coordination and the ability to give or interpret consent.

If you're trying something new, physically demanding or more adventurous, being clear-headed makes it much easier to communicate and recognise when something isn't right.

You can always celebrate afterwards.

Body Confidence Doesn't Require Loving Every Inch

Now let's talk about the other half of this guide:

Confidence.

There's a lot of pressure around “body confidence” to stand in front of the mirror and declare undying love for every centimetre of yourself.

Lovely if you can.

Not compulsory.

Sometimes body confidence simply means:

I'm allowed to enjoy this body even if I don't think it's perfect.

You don't have to wait until you've lost weight.

Gained muscle.

Bought better lingerie.

Got a tan.

Fixed whatever tiny thing you've decided everybody else is definitely noticing.

Pleasure doesn't require you to pass an appearance test first.

Your body is already invited.

Stop Watching Yourself From the Outside

This is one of the sneakiest confidence killers.

Instead of experiencing what's happening, you start mentally watching yourself.

How does my stomach look from here?

Is that position flattering?

What is my face doing?

Suddenly you're both participant and cameraman.

Try bringing your attention back to sensation.

What feels warm?

Where do you feel pressure?

What touch feels particularly good?

What can you hear?

What happens when you breathe more slowly?

Moving attention from appearance to sensation can help get you out of your head and back into your body.

Your imaginary film crew can take the evening off.

You Are Allowed to Ask for What You Want

Confidence isn't performing perfectly.

Sometimes confidence sounds like:

“Slower.”

“More pressure.”

“Not there.”

“Keep doing exactly that.”

“Can we try something else?”

“I don't like that.”

“Don't stop.”

Your partner isn't receiving a poor performance review when you give direction.

You're giving them useful information.

And if you're playing solo, the same principle applies.

Experiment.

Change settings.

Try another position.

Use more lube.

Put the toy away.

Pick up a different one.

You don't owe consistency to your own bedside drawer.

Don't Compare Your Sex Life to the Internet

Porn.

Films.

Social media.

Anonymous stories.

Articles promising the 17 Things Every Adventurous Couple MUST Try Tonight.

The internet can make ordinary intimacy look like everyone else is conducting nightly acrobatics beneath professional lighting.

They're not.

There is no correct number of times to have sex.

No compulsory list of toys to own.

No required positions.

No deadline by which you should have tried bondage.

And no level of adventurousness you need to reach before your sex life qualifies as interesting.

Good sex isn't measured by how impressive it sounds when described to somebody else.

It's measured by whether the people having it actually enjoy themselves.

Confidence Grows Through Small Wins

If you're nervous about trying something new, don't attempt five new things at once.

Choose one.

Maybe tonight you introduce a vibrator.

Another time you try a blindfold.

Maybe you experiment with flavoured lube.

Maybe you finally tell your partner about something you've been curious about.

Small positive experiences build trust.

With yourself.

With your body.

And with your partner.

Confidence rarely arrives in one dramatic burst.

It accumulates.

Awkward Moments Are Allowed

Something will eventually go wrong.

The toy will die.

The app won't connect.

Someone's leg will cramp.

A noise will happen.

The blindfold will get caught in somebody's hair.

You will attempt a sexy manoeuvre and discover that physics has other plans.

Laugh.

Please.

Sex doesn't stop being intimate because something funny happened.

Sometimes being able to laugh together is one of the strongest signs that you actually are comfortable.

Perfect is overrated.

Aftercare Isn't Only for BDSM

Aftercare is often discussed in relation to BDSM, but the basic idea can be useful after all sorts of intimate experiences.

After something new or emotionally intense, you might want:

• A cuddle,

• Water,

• A shower,

• Quiet,

• Conversation,

• Reassurance,

• Food,

• Space,

• Sleep,

• A laugh about what just happened,

People differ.

One person might want to curl up together.

Another might immediately want toast.

Neither is incorrect.

You can simply ask:

“What do you need?”

And later, particularly after trying something new:

“How did that feel for you?”

That little conversation can make the next experience even better.

The LubeLady Safe Play & Confidence Checklist

Before you experiment, ask yourself:

Do I actually want to do this?

Does everybody involved want to do this?

Have we talked about boundaries?

Do we know how to stop?

Do we understand how the toy or product works?

Is our lubricant compatible?

Are we using the right toy for the activity?

Do we know how to clean it?

Are we starting at a comfortable intensity?

Can either of us change our mind without pressure?

If the answer is yes?

Excellent.

Proceed with the mischief.

Ten Confidence Reminders Worth Keeping

1. You don't need to know everything.
Curiosity is enough to begin.

2. You never have to perform.
Pleasure isn't an audition.

3. You can change your mind.
At any point.

4. Asking for what you want is useful, not demanding.

5. Needing lube is completely normal.

6. Bigger, stronger and more adventurous aren't automatically better.

7. Your body doesn't need to look perfect to deserve pleasure.

8. Laughing doesn't ruin sex.

9. Trying something once doesn't mean you have to do it again.

10. Confidence is knowing you have choices.

That last one might be the most important.

A Final Word From LubeLady

Safe play isn't about turning sex into a risk assessment.

And confidence isn't about walking into the bedroom feeling like the world's greatest lover.

Both are really about the same thing:

Feeling secure enough to make choices.

To say yes.

To say no.

To ask questions.

To try something.

To stop something.

To laugh.

To communicate.

To discover what your body enjoys rather than what you think it should enjoy.

Read the instructions.

Choose the right products.

Use the right lube.

Respect boundaries.

Listen to your body.

Talk to the person you're playing with.

And give yourself permission not to have everything figured out.

Because the sexiest kind of confidence isn't pretending you know exactly what you're doing.

It's knowing that whatever happens, you're comfortable enough to speak up, slow down, change direction - and enjoy discovering what works for you.