⏱️ 11 min read 

So, you've been thinking about bringing a toy into the bedroom together...??

Exciting!!

Possibly slightly nerve-racking.

And almost guaranteed to produce at least one conversation that begins:

“Soooo... I saw this thing online...”

Welcome to couples play.

Introducing adult toys into a relationship doesn't mean your sex life is lacking, somebody isn't “enough”, or you're suddenly required to transform your bedroom into an adults-only theme park.

Sometimes you're simply curious.

Maybe you've been together for years and fancy shaking things up.

Maybe you're in a newer relationship and want to explore together.

Maybe one of you already owns toys and you'd like to make them part of partnered play.

Or perhaps you both keep looking at the same mysterious little gadget online and wondering what exactly you're supposed to do with it.

Whatever brought you here, there's one thing worth knowing from the beginning:

Couples play isn't about replacing anything that's already working. It's about adding possibilities.

And there are plenty of those.

So, from choosing your first couples toy to talking about boundaries, lube, remote controls, shopping together and avoiding the classic first-timer mistakes, here's your LubeLady starter guide to exploring adult toys as a couple.

First: What Exactly Is “Couples Play”?

Couples play is a wonderfully broad term.

It can mean using a toy specifically designed for two people.

But it can also mean taking a toy normally associated with solo play and using it together.

That could include:

• Vibrators,

• Bullet vibrators,

• Wands,

• Couples stimulators,

• Cock rings,

• Strokers,

• Dildos,

• Anal toys,

• Massage products,

• Blindfolds and sensory accessories,

• Remote-controlled toys,

• App-controlled toys,

• Bondage accessories,

• Lubricants and sensation products,

In other words, you don't necessarily need something with “COUPLES” written across the box.

If two consenting adults are enjoying it together, congratulations.

You've got yourself couples play.

Start With the Conversation - Not the Shopping Cart

Before you start adding things to your basket, talk.

And no, this doesn't need to become a formal board meeting.

You can keep it playful.

Try questions such as:

“Is there anything you've always been curious about?”

“Would you ever try a toy together?”

“What kind of sensation sounds good to you?”

“Is there anything that's definitely not your thing?”

You can even browse toys together and simply react to what you see.

Yes.

Maybe.

Absolutely not.

What on earth is THAT?

That alone can tell you quite a lot about each other's interests.

The important part is making sure neither person feels they're being presented with a pre-planned sexual agenda.

Curiosity is an invitation, not an obligation.

Toys Aren't Competition

This deserves its own section because it's one of the biggest worries people can have when toys enter a relationship.

A vibrator isn't competing with a partner.

Neither is a stroker.

Neither is a dildo.

Neither is the impressive rechargeable contraption with three motors and more settings than your washing machine.

A toy provides a particular type of sensation.

That's all.

It can't replace affection, chemistry, touch, communication, humour, attraction or intimacy between two people.

Try thinking of toys as tools you get to use together, rather than substitutes for something one partner is supposedly failing to provide.

That shift in mindset can completely change the conversation.

Decide What Kind of Experience You Want

Before choosing a product, ask:

What are we actually hoping to add?

Maybe you want more external stimulation during partnered intimacy.

Maybe you want to explore vibration together.

Maybe one partner enjoys penis-focused stimulation.

Maybe you're curious about anal play.

Maybe you'd like to hand over control of a remote.

Maybe you want to explore sensory play.

Or perhaps you're not looking for anything particularly adventurous at all.

You just want something fun.

That's enough.

Choosing the experience first makes choosing the toy considerably easier.

Beginner-Friendly Couples Toy Ideas

There are hundreds of options, but you absolutely do not need to start with the most elaborate thing in the shop.

Here are some approachable categories.

1. Bullet Vibrators: Tiny Team Players

Remember the humble bullet from our How to Choose Your First Sex Toy guide?

It works brilliantly for couples too.

A bullet can add external vibration without taking over the entire experience.

Its small size also makes it easy for either partner to hold and control.

That's one of the simplest ways to introduce a toy without making the evening feel entirely centred around the toy.

Small.

Simple.

Very capable of causing distractions.

2. Wands: Not Just for Solo Play

Wand vibrators are another versatile couples option.

Their broader head can provide external vibration, while the design also makes many wands suitable for general body massage when used according to the manufacturer's directions.

And that's something worth remembering:

Couples play doesn't have to begin with genitals.

Massage, teasing and exploring different areas of the body can make introducing a toy feel much more relaxed.

Sometimes anticipation does half the work for you.

3. Couples Stimulators

Then we have toys specifically designed with partnered use in mind.

Couples stimulators come in different shapes and configurations, so always check exactly how an individual model is intended to be used.

Some are designed to be worn.

Some provide vibration to different areas.

Some incorporate remote controls.

The best couples toy isn't necessarily the one with the longest feature list.

It's the one whose design makes both of you say:

“Yep. We'd try that.”

4. Vibrating Cock Rings

For couples who want to introduce vibration without adding a larger toy, a vibrating cock ring can be an approachable option.

Depending on the design, it may provide stimulation for the wearer as well as additional external vibration during partnered play.

Beginners may prefer stretchy or adjustable designs.

Always follow the manufacturer's instructions and remove a ring immediately if there's pain, numbness, significant discomfort or unusual colour changes.

Pleasure should not require gritted teeth and determination.

5. Strokers & Penis-Focused Toys

Couples play doesn't have to mean choosing a toy designed primarily for vulva-focused stimulation.

Strokers and masturbators can absolutely become partnered toys.

One partner can introduce the toy, control it or simply make it part of the experience.

And for couples where one person already uses a stroker solo, bringing it into partnered play can be an easy first step because you're introducing something already familiar rather than learning an entirely new toy together.

6. Dildos & Insertable Toys

Dildos and other insertable toys can also become part of couples play.

If you're choosing one together, pay attention to dimensions, shape, texture and material rather than choosing purely on appearance.

And remember our golden beginner rule:

Bigger does not automatically mean better.

Comfort wins.

Every time.

7. Remote-Controlled Toys: Hand Over the Controls

Now things get interesting.

Remote-controlled toys introduce something beyond the physical sensation:

control.

One partner can control the settings while the other doesn't necessarily know what's coming next.

For some couples, that little element of anticipation is half the appeal.

And if handing someone a remote suddenly makes them look far too pleased with themselves...

You have been warned.

8. App-Controlled Toys

App-connected toys can take the remote-control idea further.

Depending on the product, an app may allow control from another room or potentially over longer distances.

That can make them particularly interesting for couples who spend time apart.

If you're considering an app-controlled toy, check the manufacturer's current app requirements, device compatibility, connectivity features and privacy information before buying.

Sexy technology is still technology.

Read the instructions.

You Don't Have to Start With a Sex Toy

This is another important point.

Your first couples purchase doesn't necessarily need a motor.

You could start with:

Massage lubricant or oil

A blindfold

Feathers or other purpose-designed sensory accessories

A simple bondage accessory

Flavoured lubricant

Warming or cooling lubricant

Sometimes changing one sense or introducing anticipation can feel every bit as exciting as buying an elaborate rechargeable toy.

If sensory exploration sounds interesting, our Beginner's Guide to Sensory Play is a perfect next stop.

What About Bondage?

Curious?

You don't need to go from zero to elaborate rope work overnight.

Beginner bondage might simply involve a blindfold, soft restraints or agreeing that one partner gets to take the lead for a while.

The key ingredients aren't expensive equipment.

They're:

Communication.
Consent.
Trust.
Boundaries.
And an agreed way to stop.

If bondage is the direction you're curious about, head over to our Bondage for Beginners guide before you start experimenting.

There is plenty of time to get adventurous.

Learn first.

Play second.

Choosing a Couples Toy Together

Shopping together can actually be part of the experience.

Rather than one person choosing something and presenting it as a fait accompli, browse together.

A very simple system is:

YES - I'd genuinely like to try that.

MAYBE - I'm curious, but we'd need to talk about it.

NO - Not for me.

No interrogation.

No convincing.

No “But whyyyyy?”

A no gets to remain a no.

You might also discover things you had no idea your partner was curious about.

And that can make browsing almost as interesting as whatever eventually arrives in the post.

Talk About Boundaries Before You're Excited

This is one of those pieces of advice that sounds terribly sensible because it is.

Have the important conversation before you're halfway through experimenting.

Discuss:

• What you're comfortable trying,

• What you're not interested in,

• Whether there are areas of the body you don't want involved,

• How you'll communicate if something feels uncomfortable,

• Whether you'd like to stop immediately or simply change what you're doing,

• Who controls the toy,

• Whether swapping control appeals to you,

For more adventurous play, agree on a clear word or signal that means stop.

And remember that consent can change.

Agreeing to something yesterday doesn't create an obligation today.

Don't Forget the Lube

Oh look.

She's talking about lubricant again.

Who could possibly have predicted this?

Lubricant can make many forms of couples play smoother and more comfortable, particularly when you're introducing toys.

But choose your lube according to what you're using.

Water-based lubricant is often the easiest all-round starting point for toys.

Silicone and hybrid lubricants can provide longer-lasting glide but require more attention around certain silicone toys.

Oil-based products have important barrier compatibility considerations and shouldn't be used with latex condoms.

Luckily, Professor LubeLady has already prepared the coursework.

Read our Beginner's Guide to Lube for the basics, or head to Lube Types Explained if you want to understand water-based vs silicone vs hybrid vs oil-based formulas.

Look at you.

Doing your homework.

Make the First Time Simple

You've bought the toy.

You've charged it.

You've read the instructions.

You're both excited.

And now one of the easiest mistakes is trying to make the first experience some kind of spectacular event.

It doesn't need to be.

Your first time using a new toy together is partly about figuring the thing out.

Which button turns it on?

Which setting feels good?

How do you hold it comfortably?

Is that vibration level brilliant or absolutely ridiculous?

Do you both actually like it?

Treat the first experience as exploration rather than a performance.

Laugh when you press the wrong button.

Change position if something isn't comfortable.

Put the toy away if neither of you is enjoying it.

There is no scorecard.

Let Both Partners Have a Turn With Control

If the toy allows it, swap roles.

Let one person control the vibration or movement.

Then switch.

This can completely change how the same toy feels because one experience is about control, while the other is about anticipation.

It also prevents couples play from becoming something that's always being “done to” the same person.

Unless, of course, that's exactly what you've both agreed you enjoy.

What If One Partner Loves Toys and the Other Doesn't?

This happens.

One partner might already own half the catalogue while the other looks at a vibrator like it's an unexploded device.

You don't need identical levels of enthusiasm.

Start with conversation.

Ask what specifically feels uncomfortable.

Is it insecurity?

Unfamiliarity?

The type of toy?

The size?

The idea of losing control?

Or simply a genuine lack of interest?

Understanding the reason is much more useful than trying to convince someone they should enjoy toys.

And remember:

Couples play requires two willing participants.

If one person isn't comfortable, find something else you're both curious about.

What If the Toy Doesn't Work for You?

Then you've learned something.

Seriously.

Not every toy will be a winner.

You may discover you dislike buzzy vibration but love broader vibration.

Maybe air-pulse isn't your thing.

Maybe one partner loves the remote and the other finds it distracting.

Maybe that gorgeous couples toy looked incredible online but requires the flexibility of a professional gymnast.

It happens.

Don't interpret a disappointing toy as a disappointing sex life.

You've simply gathered information about what you like.

Your next choice can be better informed.

Cleaning Toys Used as a Couple

If a toy is being shared between partners or used on different body areas, hygiene becomes particularly important.

Follow the manufacturer's cleaning instructions for the specific material and construction of your toy.

Clean toys before and after use as directed.

If a toy is moving between partners or body areas, use appropriate barrier methods where relevant and change barriers between uses.

Don't move toys from anal use to vaginal use without properly cleaning them or changing the barrier as appropriate.

Allow toys to dry properly before storing them somewhere clean and dry.

And if you're not sure whether your rechargeable toy is waterproof?

Don't discover the answer by dropping it into the sink.

Check the instructions.

The LubeLady Couples Play Cheat Sheet

Still wondering where to begin?

Here's the short version.

“We've never used toys together.”
→ Start with something simple like a bullet vibrator or small external toy.

“We want something designed specifically for two.”
→ Explore couples stimulators.

“We want vibration during partnered play.”
→ Look at couples vibrators or vibrating cock rings.

“We want something for penis-focused pleasure.”
→ Explore strokers and masturbators together.

“We like the idea of giving up control.”
→ Explore a remote-controlled toy.

“We're in a long-distance relationship.”
→ Investigate app-controlled toys designed for remote use.

“We want something sensual rather than overtly sexual.”
→ Start with massage or sensory play.

“We're curious about bondage.”
→ Start gently and read our Bondage for Beginners guide first.

“We're curious about anal play.”
→ Choose purpose-designed anal toys, start small and use plenty of compatible lubricant.

“We have no idea what we want.”
→ Browse together and use the Yes / Maybe / No method.

That's enough to get you started.

You do not need to purchase half the website on your first attempt.

Although LubeLady would obviously understand if you accidentally did.

Couples Play Mistakes Worth Avoiding

Surprising your partner with something they're expected to use.
Surprise chocolates? Lovely. Surprise sexual expectations? Not so much.

Buying the most intimidating toy first.
You can work up to the spaceship.

Treating toys as competition.
They're tools, not rivals.

Skipping the instructions.
Yes, even when you're very confident you know what that button does.

Forgetting lubricant compatibility.
Check your toy and lube before combining them.

Assuming your partner likes what you like.
Ask.

Ignoring discomfort because you don't want to ruin the mood.
Stop, adjust or change direction.

Taking yourselves too seriously.
New toys occasionally produce ridiculous moments.

Laugh.

It's allowed.

A Final Word From LubeLady

Couples play isn't about fixing your relationship.

It isn't about proving how adventurous you are.

And it certainly isn't about collecting enough rechargeable equipment to make your bedside table visible from space.

It's about curiosity.

Trying something new together.

Discovering another way to make each other feel good.

Talking about things you might not normally talk about.

Handing over the remote occasionally.

Laughing when neither of you can figure out how to turn the bloody thing off.

And learning a little more about each other along the way.

Start small.

Talk openly.

Choose something you're both excited about.

Use plenty of the right lube.

And remember:

The best couples toy isn't the most expensive, powerful or adventurous one in the drawer.

It's the one you both can't wait to get out of it.